The Psychology of Violence in Relationships: Who is the Real Perpetrator?

The Psychology of Violence in Relationships: Who is the Real Perpetrator?

30 November 2024 | 1:00 PM | YouTube

This virtual panel discussion was a comprehensive and emotionally charged panel discussion focused on understanding, confronting, and preventing violence against women. The panel featured two highly experienced psychotherapists: Melike Guray, Clinical Psychologist and Board Member of the Set Them Free from UK and Hatice Kubra Donmez, a Couples Psychotherapist based in United States. Their insights provided a nuanced perspective on the systemic, cultural, psychological, and social dimensions of gender-based violence.

The panel emphasized that violence against women manifests in many forms—physical, emotional, psychological, social, sexual, and economic—and that society often underestimates or dismisses some of these abuses. Hatice Kubra highlighted how emotional and psychological violence are frequently normalized and even justified through cultural or religious narratives. For example, many victims are told that their suffering is a test or part of divine will, which perpetuates the cycle of silence and acceptance. She pointed out that societal norms tend to trivialize emotional abuse, such as manipulation, stalking, social isolation, and verbal insults, which can be just as damaging as physical violence.

A core theme was the normalization and trivialization of violence in everyday life. Psychotherapist  Hatice Kubra Donmez shared her clinical experiences, illustrating how victims often internalize shame, guilt, and self-blame, which hinder their ability to recognize their situation as abusive. She explained that societal messages often reinforce these feelings, leading women to accept abuse as a normal part of life or as something they must endure to maintain family stability or religious obedience.

The discussion then delved into the broader societal and cultural mechanisms that sustain violence. Participants discussed how media, social media, and popular culture often perpetuate harmful stereotypes, portraying women as subordinate or as responsible for provoking violence. They also addressed how law enforcement and judicial systems sometimes fail to provide adequate protection or justice, especially when victims are blamed or dismissed. For instance, the phenomenon of “eve teasing” or street harassment is often dismissed as trivial, and domestic violence cases are sometimes handled with leniency or indifference.

Psychologically, the conversation underscored the profound impacts of sustained violence, including Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), complex trauma, depression, anxiety, and somatic illnesses like autoimmune diseases. Hatice Kubra Donmez emphasized that victims often carry deep emotional scars that influence their self-esteem and future relationships. She warned against re-traumatization during therapy, highlighting the importance of trauma-informed approaches that prioritize the victim’s safety and emotional well-being.

The panel highlighted how violence affects not only the immediate victims but also children and future generations. Children witnessing violence are at risk of developing emotional and behavioral problems, internalizing harmful gender stereotypes, and perpetuating cycles of violence. The importance of early intervention and education was stressed as vital to breaking these cycles.

A critical focus was on the societal and mental health barriers that prevent women from leaving abusive relationships. Factors such as economic dependency, social isolation, fear of retaliation, concern for children, and internalized shame contribute to women’s reluctance or inability to escape violence. The panelists discussed how societal narratives often blame victims, questioning why they stay or why they don’t leave, instead of addressing the root causes and systemic failures.

The conversation also explored the importance of community and societal responsibility. The speakers called for increased engagement from men, religious leaders, community elders, and policymakers in actively challenging gender stereotypes and promoting gender equality. They argued that ending violence requires a cultural shift, not just legal reforms, because social norms deeply influence behaviors and attitudes.

Participants emphasized that education is a powerful tool in combating violence. They advocated for comprehensive school curricula that teach respect, gender equality, emotional regulation, and healthy relationships from a young age. They also called for public awareness campaigns that challenge myths and stereotypes about gender roles, violence, and victimhood.

Practical strategies discussed included early detection of warning signs, creating safe spaces for victims to seek help, and establishing accessible support networks such as shelters, counseling services, and legal aid. The panelists stressed that empowerment through economic independence is key, as financial dependency often traps women in abusive situations. They suggested initiatives like job training, microfinance programs, and legal reforms that facilitate women’s economic autonomy.

The discussion emphasized that societal change must also involve addressing religious and cultural narratives that justify or excuse violence. The panelists called for religious leaders and scholars to actively denounce violence and reinterpret religious texts that promote respect and compassion. They highlighted the importance of community-led efforts to challenge harmful traditions and beliefs. Towards the conclusion, the panelists discussed the importance of collective action. They urged men to participate in conversations about masculinity, respect, and non-violence. They also called on political leaders, civil society organizations, and citizens to work together to create policies and environments that support victims and hold perpetrators accountable.

Finally, they underscored the importance of continuous dialogue, research, and policy reforms, emphasizing that ending violence against women is a long-term societal project that requires persistent commitment from all sectors. They concluded with gratitude for participation and anticipation of future conversations to further deepen understanding and action.

PANELISTS: 

Melike Guray, Clinical Psychologist, Board Member of the Set Them Free 

Hatice Kubra Donmez, Couples Psychotherapist